Why Companies Have Stupid Policies

I was in a debate not long ago about a policy a lot of people really didn't think was needed. It brought to mind the old question: "What the heck do we need HR for anyway?" I've asked it myself, even though I've made my living in that oft-derided group.

Few people understand exactly why companies do what they do. Often an idea that seems great at the time takes a good HR person to really screw it up — but they do so for a reason. Let me walk you through a great idea to its eventual downfall in corporate life.

A manager thinks his employees would be happier if they could listen to music as they work, so he tells his staff they can play music at a reasonable level at their desks. There are 15 people in the office, and because they interact with each other, they can't use headphones. The employees love the idea (usually a warning sign in the mind of an HR person). The next week, phones and speakers appear on desks. For the first three hours, everyone is thrilled. By the end of the third week, the following policy is released, because… well, it had to be done.

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES RE: Office Music

Effective immediately, the following policy regarding personal office music (POM) shall be added to our standard employee guidelines. Due to recent conflicts, it has become necessary to establish standards whereby use of POM may be considered acceptable to a productive working environment.

Volume: Volume shall not exceed audible levels beyond a range of 15 feet. If your song can be recognized by your manager beyond 25 feet, you may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination. Selections outside of your manager's area of knowledge, such as 16th-century harpsichord, do not have to be identified specifically. If your manager can identify the genre within 35 feet, you will still be held in violation.

Style: Because discordant genres do not enhance the work location, song selection must follow these guidelines:

Monday — Easy Listening. Songs that could be heard in a spa, an elevator, a maternity ward, or your therapist's office are usually acceptable. Selections must contain a BPM (beats per minute) of less than ten and no more than eleven. Sleeping in your workspace is still not acceptable. Persons found sleeping, or listening to artists outside this category (Tom Petty is not an easy-listening artist), may be terminated.

Tuesday — Oldies. Given the wide range of ages in our diverse workforce, an oldies song is any song which would have been played while your manager was 19 or younger. This may require management to disclose (with reasonable accuracy) their approximate year of birth; however, all female managers are 32 years old unless otherwise objected to.

Wednesday — Country. There continues to be debate over what is "true country." Until 11:59 a.m., tunes acceptable on Hee Haw (1970s episodes only) or in such places as Dollywood shall be used. After noon, any song on a country radio station is acceptable. To clarify: folk music and Olivia Newton-John are not country. John Denver is. Playing Tom Petty, or any other artist who at some point looked like they came out of a country bar, is a violation.

Thursday — Classical. Any song originally composed before the founding of the United States is acceptable. Remakes that do not use 70% of the instruments required for the original do not apply. Barbra Streisand, ELO, Kansas (violin or not), and Tom Petty are "classics," but not classical. Special note: Jethro Tull may be played at any time.

Friday — Free Music Friday. Staff does little work after 11:30 a.m.… so enjoy. Earplugs are authorized.

Open critiquing of another employee's taste in music may create a hostile work environment. Dancing is prohibited in order to avoid potential OSHA issues. Injuries from an air-guitar solo on the copier will not be covered by workers' compensation. And while we do appreciate artists like Lady Gaga, you may not dress like her… ever.

END OF POLICY

Throw a good idea at 15 people and someone isn't going to like it. Others will find a way to bend the rules. As a result, we end up with a policy intended to manage the 5% who are wrecking it for the rest of us. The simplest solution would have been to deal with the people who were uncooperative, or at least reexamine the headphone question. Instead, no one was happy, HR was the scapegoat, and the headphone companies made a killing.

The good news is it could have been worse. They could have instituted Polka Fridays.

If you're staring at a policy that looks ridiculous, start with the 5% who wrecked a good idea — not with another three pages of rules. If you want help sorting that out, let's talk.